If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
