I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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