the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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