he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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