I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
