i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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