he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
