so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
