My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
