the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
