I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
