Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
