Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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