did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
