Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
