So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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