the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
