I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
