Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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