I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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