so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
