I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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