life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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