last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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