I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
