i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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