I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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