Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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