Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
