i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
