I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
