I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
