i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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