True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
