hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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