The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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