my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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