Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
