you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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