I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
