the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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