Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
