i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
