"it" just moved
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
