i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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