ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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