I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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