who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
