so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Farmville is her only friend.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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