I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
