as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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