I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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