You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
