Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
