I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
