her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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